


did I shatter you?

by sunset_phantom



Series: coney island juke [1]
Category: Julie and The Phantoms (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst and Feels, Angst with a Happy Ending, Everyone is alive!, F/M, Probably a happy ending, Projecting all the feels, Taylor Swift dropped Evermore and it fucked me up, Well maybe a Happy Ending, juke
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-13
Updated: 2020-12-20
Packaged: 2021-03-11 02:08:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 9,686
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28037460
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sunset_phantom/pseuds/sunset_phantom
Summary: And I'm sitting on a bench in Coney Island wondering where did my baby go?orJulie and Luke find their way back to each other after a year of silence, on a cold bench, in the middle of December, on Coney Island.
Relationships: Julie Molina & Luke Patterson, Julie Molina/Luke Patterson
Series: coney island juke [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2170515
Comments: 19
Kudos: 111





	1. you're not my homeland anymore

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fic Title: coney island by Taylor Swift ft. The National  
> Chapter Title: exile by Taylor Swift ft. Bon Iver

An aggressive wind whipped Julie Molina’s wayward curls across her face, the dancing tendrils tickling her cheeks as she stared out at the empty boardwalk. The grey day pressed in against her. The cold crept under her peacoat to sink into her very bones. Coney Island, usually so bright and loud, stood quiet and empty. No one had dared venture out to the island on this cold December day. No one except for Julie.

Another gust of wind ripped through her. She shivered against it, burrowing further into the wool of her coat. She should leave. She should stand up, walk away from this bench, get on with her life. She couldn’t though. She felt frozen in place, frozen in time. The sun dipped lower on the horizon, the rest of the world continuing to spin despite Julie’s corner of it coming to a halt almost a year ago to the day. She thought the pain of losing her mother would be incomparable. She never realized losing Luke would be a different type of pain entirely, a pain that would cut deeper and leave her bleeding out from wounds too deep for stitches.

She thought of the life she had been living for the last year. City after city, a blur of states and places within them, nothing sticking for longer than a night. The whirlwind of her life passing her by felt the same as when she had opened her eyes while spinning around on the merry-go-round on this very pier. Fleeting moments of flashing lights and sparkling smiles and at the end of the day it was nothing but fake, porcelain lies that had been sustaining her. Luke had never lied to her. But then again, Luke wasn’t here anymore.

The sharp breeze blew against her again, rustling the leftover sand on the faded wooden boards beneath her boots. Her head throbbed, thoughts spiked with frustration and self-loathing running amok in her mind. Had it been worth it? What did she have left to show for the heartbreak she suffered on a daily basis? The screams of the crowd meant nothing when he wasn’t by her side, soaking in every moment with her. Would she ever feel the same type of completion she felt when his hand was clasped tight in hers, raised above a burning spotlight, elevated above them as they bowed for their adoring fans? Everything felt hollow in his absence.

It was dark now. The streetlights spaced out along the walkways had begun winking on as the sun fell lower and lower, shadows dancing along the docks and turning the ocean into an endless stretch of inky black. Darkness brought a deeper layer of cold. She couldn’t stay here. She wasn’t even sure why she had come. The Julie whose laugh still lingered in this air had been lost long ago. Her memory wasn’t hanging around the old faded skill games. The Luke that had wasted countless hours and dollars here trying to win her one of those coveted arcade rings had been swept away by the gusts of icy air as easily as the particles of sand crunching underfoot. She had come here to find them not knowing they had vanished before she could even remember their existence.

Slowly, as if emerging from a dream, Julie unfolded herself from the cold wooden bench. Her heart ached, the hole there feeling extra empty at the moment. She breathed against the pain, unsure how a wound could still feel so sharp and fresh a year after injury. Shouldn’t she have started to heal by now? Sometimes it felt like only yesterday Luke’s words had ripped her to shreds. Sometimes it felt like only yesterday she had lost the other half of her soul.

Heavy feet carried lead legs back the same way she had come. The wind had picked up once the sun had gone down, Julie tucking her nose into the collar of her coat against the chill. She shuffled along the weathered path, refusing to move any faster than a snail’s pace. The younger ghosts of her and Luke may no longer haunt the colorful lights of the boardwalk but being here made her feel more at peace than anywhere else in the world. Even LA didn’t have the same sort of bittersweet homecoming attached to it as Coney Island did. She guessed that was just the price that must be paid when you finally confessed your everlasting love for your best friend at the peak of the Ferris Wheel after a sold-out show at Madison Square Garden. Some moments were too powerful to ever lose their emotional punch. Julie let herself get swept up in the memory for just a moment as she spun around in the neon lights beneath the never-ending grey clouds above.

The night had been crystal clear above them, something Julie had never seen in a New York sky before or after that one single perfect instance. Luke had wrapped himself around her completely, using his superior body heat to ward off the evening chill. Alex and Reggie had long since disappeared into the mass of bodies surging around the pier. But Luke made sure to keep a hold on Julie. He made sure they never lost each other in the crowd. By the time they were in line for the Ferris Wheel, Julie knew there would never be a better time to confess to him. They had been dancing around it for years now, pushing back and forth as they toed the line between friends and something more. Underneath the million twinkling stars above and the otherworldly glow of the carnival lights, Julie had opened the softest part of her heart. Luke had looked at her with the promise of forever shining in his sea glass eyes, and promptly curled himself into the home she had made for him. If only someone had warned her that he might one day tear his way out of the sanctuary she had created just for him.

Tears stung the corners of her eyes, the liquid freezing against her skin as it spilled over and ran down her cheeks. This had been a stupid idea. What did she think she would find, returning to the scene of the crime a year later? Hadn’t it been enough that they had imploded in the one place she had always thought of as theirs? More than the studio, more than their house in LA, this boardwalk had been _theirs._ Did she really need to continue torturing herself with thoughts of what could have been if they had just been able to push their way through it? The golden sheen of their relationship could have been everlasting if they had only been willing to fight for it. The thought haunted her, alone in the dark as the sky began to weep icicle tears above her. She wondered where Luke was now, on this cold December night. Was he alone? Was he thinking of her?

Snow swirled around her ankles. Julie felt chilled to her very core. Her limbs moved in frozen, stilted movements as she forced herself to keep walking. She wasn’t doing herself any favors out here, but it felt right to suffer in this kind of frozen wasteland by herself. She was a woman against the world. Just her and this storm she fought every day anyway. She could handle it.

Then, like a mirage, another body began to take shape in the dim glow of the streetlights. White dusted their shoulders and head, feet kicking up little clouds of the frosty fluff with every step. Something about the way they moved was familiar. Not just familiar, it was _known._ The same way Julie knew exactly how many steps it took to get from her father’s house down to the studio where she had rediscovered herself with the help of her boys, with the help of Luke. The same way she knew exactly how to intertwine her voice with his in order to create a type of harmony never before accessed by either. The same way she knew how every inch of his body would feel if they pressed themselves together like they had countless times before. She stopped moving, gathering her coat as close as possible like a shield. He hadn’t noticed her. Just kept walking, head down, shoulders hunched against the wintery air. She waited until he wouldn’t be able to run. Waited until he was practically on top of her and she had no other choice than to speak up.

“Luke?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know where this story will end up honestly but I love Juke and I love Taylor Swift and I love this song. This narrative grew a mind of its own and morphed from a sad one-shot into something much larger. It will probably be about 3 chapters long, but no promises!


	2. when a good man hurts you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Title: happiness by Taylor Swift

It was him. There was no denying those overgrown brown locks peeking out from his favorite orange beanie or the ocean within his eyes. His feet skipped a beat at the sound of his name, head raising to stare at her with the pain of a thousand heartaches lurking behind his cloudy gaze. Her chest burned. Both of them in so much pain, so close, and yet still unable to cross the chasm that had opened between them. They stared at each other for a long moment, the snow dampened silence spinning out between them. Luke’s face was pale, his eyes bloodshot from crying or lack of sleep she couldn’t possibly know anymore. He sniffed, raising his arm to wipe at his nose with the back of his overlarge flannel sleeve. So, crying it was. Julie felt like she was staring at a ghost.

“What are you doing here?”

They spoke at the same time, their voices overlapping in a sloppy mess of harmonies they hadn’t practiced in too long. Julie’s heart stuttered at the sound of Luke’s low vibrato. He stared at her as if she was the answer to a prayer he hadn’t known he’d been asking for. Electricity sparked between them, bodies drawing closer together without conscious thought from either one. Julie hadn’t been this close to him for a year. His hair was longer, even more unruly than it had been in the years they’d been together. His face looked tired; brows heavy with the weight of whatever battles he had been fighting alone. Always alone now. Her fingertips itched with the desire to reach up and stroke his cheek. She didn’t have that kind of unspoken permission anymore.

She turned on her heel without a word, soundlessly making her way back to the very same bench she had just vacated. Her steps were sure, no hesitation to wait and see if he would follow. She knew he would. His quiet steps provided the only other noise in the frigid air. They didn’t touch as they each took a seat on the farthest corners of the bench. It was an unspoken agreement to keep that space between them. They needed a buffer zone for this conversation. Julie fidgeted with her necklaces; fingers tucked underneath a chunky knit scarf so they would stay far away from Luke’s body. She watched him tuck his own hands underneath his thighs. At least the feeling was mutual.

Snow accumulated around them in pristine, white piles. Julie watched it gradually stack on her knees, shivered underneath the wetness of slowly melting flakes in her hair. She would be damned if she broke this silence. Luke had come here. He knew how much it had always meant to her and he had come here, on a December day so close to the one she hated most. He could speak first. It only took a few minutes longer for him to break.

“I’ve missed you.”

Three simple little words, yet they cut through her like a finely sharpened blade. She sucked in an icy breath, bracing herself against the burn in her chest.

“You don’t get to say that to me.”

Her words were low, barely an octave above a growl. She stared at him head on, saw him flinch away from the raw emotion in her eyes.

“You chose to leave. You didn’t want to listen to anything I had to say. You left before I could even try to stop you. You don’t get to miss me.”

Her voice had grown stronger with each pointed statement. It was true that Luke had chosen to cut and run instead of stick around and fight for her. But it was also true that she hadn’t chased him down. She had accepted the end of their relationship in silence, too tired at that point to care enough to fight back. She was writing a revisionist history here, and she could tell by the way his eyes blazed that he wasn’t going to let her get away with it. He angled his body towards hers, shoving his hands deep into his coat pockets. Probably so he couldn’t get overworked with hand gestures that she would tease him about.

“You _didn’t_ try to stop me. You _never_ tried. Just let Andi reach out with tour negotiations and recording schedules so you could avoid me at all costs while we fell apart! How the hell was I supposed to talk to you without a middleman? You know I hate sending messages through other people.”

“How else was I supposed to talk to you, Luke?” His entire body shivered at the sound of his name leaving her lips. “You barely came home anymore. The only time I really saw you was at the studio and I was tired of trying to communicate with you through song lyrics. Couples should be able to talk to each other!”

“Oh, like you ‘talked’ to Nick?” He scoffed.

“Jesus Christ, not this shit again. Those tabloid photos were taken from the worst possible angle and there was absolutely no kissing involved, but even if there was, what do you care? I kiss Reggie and Alex on the cheek all the time. Why shouldn’t I kiss an old friend like Nick on the cheek? Just because you said not to? When have you ever not done something just because I asked?”

“That’s different! Reggie and Alex respect you, they respect _us!_ Nick was always just waiting in the wings for me to fuck up so he could swoop in.”

Julie let out a humorless chuckle and shot to her feet, unable to keep the frustrated, restless energy out of her legs as she paced back and forth in front of the bench. Luke stayed seated, but his body was vibrating with tension. She could see the strain in his neck as he fought to keep himself in check.

“That’s where you’re wrong. Nick has never done anything _but_ respect us, and he hasn’t been waiting around for anything! You did just fine burning our relationship to the ground on your own. Don’t stand there holding matches and then blame him because he once owned a lighter! Even before we met, Nick was nothing more than a friend. After you...”

She bit her lip to stop the confession. Luke glared and she suddenly couldn’t help herself, the words tumbling out in a desperate whisper.

“After I met you it was over for me. No one else could possibly compare.”

It felt like they were having the exact same fight they had every day leading to their break-up. Luke never confident enough, Julie never willing to shrink herself for the sake of his pride. She had been a fool to think a year apart would change them. It was always like this. All the ways their souls fit so seamlessly, all the ways they connected, were the same things that sabotaged them every time. They would come together in a moment of perfect harmony, and then suddenly the notes and lyrics would sour, and they would be right back at square one.

Luke was constantly fighting to prove himself, pushing harder in the studio, nagging at everyone in the band until every note was perfect. His passion and drive were never-ending. It wasn’t enough for Julie and The Phantoms to be as successful as they were. Nothing could erase the sting of losing Sunset Curve to Bobby right before they were about to make it big. Nothing could erase the way his parents had dismissed his work, refused to help him fight the label Bobby had moved to because they didn’t see a point to it. Julie still remembered how angry Luke had been when she first met him. Ready to fight the entire world and then some.

She had thought working together was softening him, thought that maybe she was healing him. Things had been so good for the first few years after they made it big. Some lightness had returned to him, and the fame they found as a band had given him the exact connection with the world that he had always craved when playing. Julie had thought that would be enough for him. She had thought _she_ would be enough for him. It was far too late when she realized nothing would ever fill that hole in his heart, not even her.

He had kept those wounds hidden, letting them fester and rot until his entire system was corrupted. She couldn’t fight a ghost, and he let the betrayal poison him against her more and more every day. She would never forget the final words he had screamed at her on this exact boardwalk as they fought about why he cared that Bobby was releasing another album. Would never forget the heavy silence that had fallen over the two of them as they landed like a bomb, tearing her apart in an instant. _Well maybe if you wrote music worth stealing you would understand!_ She had felt their connection snap in that moment, had known with every fiber of her being that it was the end then.

She had left New York that same day. Escaped back to LA and their house in the hills to wait for him, but he never returned to her. It had been the last time she saw him until this exact moment. Julie had dropped The Phantoms from her name and pretended it didn’t feel like she had cut off one of her limbs in the process. She nearly sold her soul to the label reworking her contract into that of a solo artist, and the press had a field day with the breakup since no one would talk about it. Reggie and Alex had come by to collect Luke’s things. The three of them still got together every week they were in town at the same time, but it wasn’t the same. The empty fourth chair at their brunch table always felt haunted.

Luke stared up at her from his position on the bench. Her words had drained the fight right out of him. She watched him crumple, felt her own ire dim. He was deviating from the script now. He was supposed to stand up and yell back at her about how she didn’t understand his pain. He wasn’t supposed to look so defeated already.

“You’re right.”

His confession was a raspy whisper, both words pulled from the deepest part of his soul. She came to a stop in front of him, mouth falling open. He lifted his head, their eyes locking. Tears clung to his lashes.

“It was my fault. I ruined it.”

Her heart flared at his words. He had never before admitted that his attitude had helped lead to their downfall. She felt herself drift towards him, drawn in by the genuine anguish she could see etched into every line of his face. He didn’t reach for her, not even when their knees touched. It was all she could do to stop herself from pulling him close.

“You didn’t deserve that. _We_ didn’t deserve that. I let myself get so worked up over beating Bobby at his own game that I didn’t realize I had already won the better prize.”

Julie felt her breath catch in her throat. She was drowning in the unending depths of his ocean eyes, the pain there just as intense and familiar as her own.

“Losing you was the worst thing that ever happened to me. Worse than losing Sunset Curve and my songs. Worse than all the bullshit with my parents. Losing you was like losing myself.”

A muffled sob managed to work its way up and out of her throat. Luke’s hands lifted and clenched before he dropped them back to land on his thighs with a smack that echoed in the frozen air. Still so close and so far away at the exact same time.

“I tried so hard, Luke. Nothing I did was ever enough, and you were so _angry_ all the time.”

Now he did stand, jumping up so fast he nearly knocked her flat on her back. His hands shot out to clasp her forearms. She could feel her skin light on fire under his touch even beneath the layers of winter clothing.

“Not with you, Julie. Never with you.”

She nearly wept to hear him say her name like that again. No frustration or annoyance, just pure affection and adoration. Like her name alone was the highest power he could call to.

“You were the one light in my life. I just didn’t see it until you were gone, and I was alone in the darkness. I’ll never regret anything as much as I regret hurting you.”

Julie let herself fall into him, the soft-spoken words a balm to her ragged soul. His arms raised to tuck her body fully into his, the two of them fitting together like puzzle pieces. It wasn’t everything, wasn’t a full reckoning of their past just yet, but it was a start.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I imagine Luke and Julie to be in their mid 20s in this fic. They would have experienced at least 5-6 years of fame as a band with their relationship spanning 3ish years of that time.


	3. there's an ache in you, put there by the ache in me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Title: 'tis the damn season by Taylor Swift

They rode the train together in silence. Side by side, leaning into each other occasionally when their car screeched around a corner. They held hands in the yellow light of the Barclays Stadium stop as they transferred from the Q to the D, and still they didn’t talk. It was another silent agreement to pause their conversation for now. They had broken through the first heavy layer of their past. They needed a safer harbor if they were going to keep digging. When Julie had shyly mentioned the apartment, she had seen the way Luke’s eyes lit up and then watched him immediately feel the devastating blow of realizing she had kept both of the homes they had shared. It was only minutes later that they were walking to the subway stop on Ocean Parkway, fingertips brushing every few steps.

The snow had stopped by the time they were climbing the steps to the West 4th Street exit. A thick blanket of white covered the ground, muffling the normal sounds of the city. Julie felt as if the universe had created this quiet cocoon just for the two of them. Their footsteps crunched in perfect synchronization as they made their way to Cornelia Street. The nondescript brownstone walkup came into view sooner than anticipated. Julie fumbled for a moment, frozen fingers struggling to jam her key into the old lock. Luke’s hand covered hers, slipping the key in easily and opening the door with a slight jiggle.

“I don’t know why this door always fights you so hard.”

The low words were murmured directly into her ear, his breath sending shivers down her spine. He was right. She had always struggled with this lock, Luke usually letting her try and fail for a few minutes before taking over and opening it in one try. The intimate reminder of the life they once shared sent a wave of longing through her. They stumbled inside together, shedding wet layers in the darkened entryway. Luke switched the light on before Julie could get to it. He sucked in a breath as the apartment was illuminated. She avoided his gaze, focusing on her shoelaces. She knew what he was seeing. This was her apartment now, hers alone, but it looked the exact same as when it had been theirs.

She had made changes to the LA house, had needed to do something to get rid of the overwhelming _Lukeness_ of the space. She hadn’t been able to bring herself to erase him from the apartment though. She didn’t spend much time here anymore, the odd weekend when she was passing through on tour or flying in for various press engagements. It wasn’t the same sanctuary it had once been. There were too many quiet memories etched into the creaky floorboards, too many happy scenes soaked into the wallpaper. She would never be able to remove his presence here, so she had simply embraced it instead. It was the one self-inflicted torture she allowed herself to indulge in. She didn’t let herself ask Alex and Reggie for updates. Didn’t allow her fingers to type his name into any search engines. When the longing became too sharp, she simply came here and escaped into what they used to have until the pain dulled. Clearly, Luke hadn’t expected this type of time capsule to be hidden inside.

Julie skirted around Luke’s frozen form, eyes bouncing around to look anywhere but him. She wandered into the kitchen, desperate for something to do with her hands, needing some type of busyness to keep her from throwing herself at Luke. They weren’t done talking, had barely scratched the surface. She couldn’t just jump back into him without overcoming the demons that had been determined to push them apart. Not if this was going to be anything more than a single night of closure. Julie was desperate for it to be something more. Her bones practically ached with the yearning.

She flicked the flame on underneath the kettle, reaching on her tip toes for her favorite mug from the cabinet next to the stove. A larger, longer arm shot above hers, easily plucking the ceramic from the shelf. His body heat pressed in against her back and Julie fought to keep her breath steady. He reached one shelf lower to pull down her favorite box of chamomile tea and the honey pot she kept next to it. His muscles shifted and flexed, the sight sending a hot wave through her body. He reached further back into the cabinet, frowning down at her when he couldn’t locate the other mug that used to live there. Julie felt her cheeks flame.

“There were some things that didn’t survive the breakup.” She mumbled cryptically, ducking underneath the cradle his arms had created.

She avoided his eyes, remembering the first time she had returned to the apartment after losing Luke. She had cried until there were no tears left, curled into a ball in the entryway as she stared at the dirty Vans he had left behind. There had been small little bits of him scattered throughout the entire space, like Easter eggs designed specifically to break her heart. She had torn through the apartment like a whirlwind, throwing every last scrap of it into a trash bag, ripping half written songs to shreds, smashing his favorite mug against the wall in the kitchen hard enough she had needed to repair a small dent left behind. It was only when she noticed how the shattered porcelain had left little pinpricks of blood on her bare feet that she had been brought back to herself. There was no undoing the damage. Truly numb for the first time since she had left Luke on the boardwalk, Julie had bandaged her cuts, swept the mess into the overflowing bag and stuffed the entire thing in the dumpster in the side alley. It had been the last time she’d let herself go to pieces over Luke.

“You painted that mug for me for our one-year anniversary.”

Luke’s voice was broken. Julie didn’t have to look to see hurt on his face, she could hear it in his words. The kettle screamed a shrill whistle as the water boiled. Julie grabbed a plain black mug from a different cabinet, dropping a tea bag into each cup before filling them with the hot water. She kept her face down, shrouded behind the steam.

“You didn’t take it with you when you left.”

He hadn’t taken any mementos. The apartment had looked the exact same as the morning they had left it when she returned over a month later. There had still been dirty breakfast dishes in the sink.

“I didn’t think...that wasn’t supposed to be the end.”

Julie nearly dropped the kettle in surprise. Hands shaking, she forced herself to place it safely back down on the stove before turning to face him. His eyes were swimming with regret, body bowed inward as if someone had sucker punched him. He looked completely lost.

“Luke...”

She tried to keep her voice soft. It was obvious he wasn’t faking his reaction. Clearly, this was yet another miscommunication that could be added to the mess that was the end of their relationship. 

“You...didn’t think that was the end? After what you said? After almost a year of trying and failing to be what you needed?”

He was staring at her like she was challenging everything he had ever believed to be true. Julie felt the crack in her heart twinge.

“Was I just supposed to stick around as your punching bag forever?”

He staggered back a step as if her words had hit him with a physical blow. She wanted to cry. God, what an absolute disaster. So many crossed wires and not enough grace for each other had led them to this place where they were both adrift in a sea of misunderstanding and hurt. It was ironic that the one person who had known every last inch of her now stood before her as an almost stranger.

She forced herself to return to the comfort of preparing their tea. She scooped twice as much honey into her mug, added a splash of milk to Luke’s. She told herself it was so Luke could have a chance to process, not so that she could work on clearing the lump from her own throat. She kept her eyes away from his face, unable to handle the destruction taking over his features. Mugs in hand, she left the kitchen and moved into the living room. The fireplace roared to life with the flick of a switch, the mugs placed on opposite ends of the coffee table as Julie curled herself into the corner of the couch, eyes unseeing as she stared at the flames dancing before her.

“Did you really think I only saw you as a punching bag?”

Luke had finally appeared in the doorway leading from the kitchen. Julie let out a small sigh of relief. His voice was a bit stronger, not the same defeated whisper as before. She could see he had made some sort of peace with the situation, even if the hurt was still raw behind his eyes. Then his words sunk in and she flinched away from the memories. She reached out to pull her mug close, needing the burn in her hands to keep her centered, needing the extra shield between the two of them. She cleared her throat delicately, refusing to let herself lean into the swell of emotions. She stared down at the liquid in her mug, trying and failing to keep her voice even.

“You quite literally told me that my work was less than yours. You made me feel like _I_ was less than you. You found flaws in _everything_ I did, Luke. Of course, I felt like a punching bag. It didn’t take long to figure out that I wasn’t the one you were really mad at. Bobby wasn’t around for you to take it out on, and you couldn’t hurt the boys like that, but for some reason I was fair game. At first, I rationalized it by telling myself that meant you loved me the most. That you were the cruelest to me because you felt the safest with me. I accepted that position like some dumb ass martyr, thinking it was proof of how much I loved you. I loved you so much I would bleed for you over and over.”

Tear drops plinked into her tea. It was the only sound in the room, even the snap of the fire dying down for the moment. She finally looked up to see Luke, still hovering in the doorway, staring at her like he had never seen her before.

“One day, I woke up and realized I had bled myself dry. I didn’t have anything left to give and you kept trying to take. I couldn’t live like that anymore. I cannot believe you thought I would stick around after that fight in Coney Island. What did you expect me to do?”

Her voice echoed in the quiet space like the closing of a tomb, low and haunted. For one second there was absolute stillness.

“I didn’t think you would just _leave!_ ”

Luke exploded, springing into the room with an uncontrollable burst of energy. It was his turn to pace now, hands moving a mile a minute as he stalked back and forth in front of her.

“Jesus, Jules, I came back here to wait for you, to talk it out, and you just never came home! I finally realized all of your most important shit was gone so I booked a red eye to LA, but when Reggie and Alex came to get me from the airport they wouldn’t let me go to the house. I thought you would come to me when you were ready, so I kept waiting and waiting and you just never showed!”

His movements were becoming more frantic, arms waving around erratically, hands fisting and tugging at his hair. Tears he hadn’t even noticed streamed down his cheeks.

“When the boys came home with my stuff and told me that you said it was over I thought I was going to die. Then Andi sent us a new contract and said you had left the band and I knew it was real. I didn’t...I never...I thought _you_ broke up with _me_.”

The chasm stretched open between them again. It felt insurmountable. Julie wrapped her arms around herself, drawing her knees close to her chest, shrinking further into the corner of the couch. Luke was breathing hard, staring at her with heartbroken eyes that begged her to tell him his version of events was accurate, begged her to release him from the torture of knowing he had been the catalyst to end it all. Julie could do nothing more than cry harder.

“I waited for you to come home in LA. I told Lex and Reg that I couldn’t keep being the one to go back. I couldn’t keep accepting blame for things I didn’t do.”

Frustration burned in her gut, sharpening her words. Of course, he had expected her to be the one to bridge the gap, apologize and smooth the fight over. But she hadn’t started it. And she hadn’t thrown out daggers disguised as words in any of their wars. Those attacks were Luke’s alone.

“Why would I go back to someone that kept throwing me in the trash? _You_ started that fight. You started every fight. Why was it my responsibility to bandage my own wounds and then apologize like I had caused them in the first place? That was all you, Luke. You didn’t even see it.”

Just like when they had been sitting on that snowy bench earlier, she watched the fight drain out of him instantaneously. He dropped to the carpet in a messy heap, burying his face in his hands. Muffled sobs echoed in the room, his back shaking from the effort. She ached to go to him, wrap her arms around his shoulders, offer him whatever comfort she could. She forced herself to stay seated. This was the reckoning Luke needed to have. If they were ever going to move past this he had to recognize the ways he had hurt her. The universe had brought him back to her, forced him to be the one to show up for once. It was in his hands now to repair that damage. Heart throbbing, she sat and waited, just like she had a year ago.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think there is just one chapter left after this and then an epilogue to finish it off! I've really loved writing this fic and I love that you're all loving it too. Thank you so much for your sweet comments and kudos!!


	4. my pain fits in the palm of your freezing hand

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Title: ivy by Taylor Swift

The tea in Julie’s mug had gone cold by the time Luke finally sat up properly. His body was hunched over, exhaustion and sadness etched in every line. When he looked up at her she could see the still drying saltwater stains on his cheeks. He reached up to scrub at his red rimmed eyes with the palm of his hand. Julie placed her full mug down on the table, slipping off the couch to sit on the floor in front of Luke.

The light from the fire cast shadows across his face. He looked so forlorn and broken and _young._ Like the Luke that had come running to her after the last big fight with his parents. Like the Luke that had coaxed her out of the darkness of losing her mom. Like the Luke she had fallen in love with when they were just teenagers with the entire world at their feet and stars in their eyes. Her entire being ached. She ached for Luke and herself. For the life they had lost and the pain they had both suffered in silence. If only they had been able to talk like this back then. They might have been able to avoid this past year of anguish. Instead they had hidden behind the band and their lyrics. Too many assumptions, too much hurt and blame, and not enough authentic communication had toppled them like a house of cards.

“Alex and Reggie told me I should call you. Told me I had to fix things, but I didn’t think anything was broken.”

His voice was hoarse, scratchy and raw with emotion. He didn’t reach for her. Just studied her face in the dim light like he was seeing her for the first time.

“God, Julie, what happened to me? How did I become that guy?”

Julie inhaled sharply. He wasn’t really asking her, she knew that. But she couldn’t help herself.

“I don’t know, Luke. It crept up on both of us. I didn’t even see it until it was already a part of our everyday normal. I didn’t know how to stop it by then, we had been living it for so long.”

“It wasn’t just Bobby or any other bullshit excuse though. You’re right, I was cruel to you, and I didn’t even see it. Even at the end, I thought you would come to me because that’s what you always did, and I never _once_ thought that I should be the one going to you. Even though it was always me picking fights and...I just...how could I do that to you? How could I hurt someone I love so much like that?”

His voice was bleak, the expression in his eyes borderline hopeless. It almost sounded like he was begging her to give him the answers. She didn’t have any though. She hadn’t ever figured it out either, and it still stung when she thought about how he hadn’t ever turned that rage on Reggie or Alex. Only Julie got that kind of special treatment.

“I don’t know, Luke.” She repeated.

It was all she could offer him. Her hands flexed against her thighs, desperate to touch him.

“I ruined us, and it was for nothing. I ruined the best thing in my life for _nothing._ ”

The last statement sounded like it was meant more for him than for her. It was filled with rage and guilt and shame. His head dropped. Her chest burned.

“It wasn’t just you.”

She had to be honest. He was opening himself fully. She had to do the same. He raised his head to look at her, confusion and self-loathing clear on his face.

“I was too quick to adapt. When you first started lashing out at me, I didn’t push back. I knew you were hurting, and I wanted to do anything I could to ease that heartache. At first, I let you treat me like that because I thought it was a way to take the pain away. And then I just got so used to it, and I kept taking it until we snapped. It’s not all on you.”

He was shaking his head, frowning and opening his mouth to argue, but this was something Julie was sure of. He was responsible for the brunt of the emotional pain endured during their relationship, but a relationship was more than one person. She had some amount of blame in this too. She cut him off before he could get the first denial out.

“No, Luke, I’m at least a little responsible for this too. I’m not some weak little damsel in distress. I knew what you were doing wasn’t okay, and I let you do it anyway. I changed myself to become a person who would accept that kind of treatment. I put our relationship over my own well-being, and it was wrong. I should have stood up for myself and I didn’t. And then I cut and ran instead of fighting for myself.”

“I shouldn’t have put you in the position to have to defend yourself against me! I should have been the one protecting you, not hurting you!”

Luke’s hands fisted in his hair, body folding over again. Julie couldn’t stop herself anymore. She closed the space between them in seconds, throwing her arms around his body. He didn’t hesitate to catch her, his own arms snaking around her waist as he buried his face in her neck. He sobbed into her skin, the muffled cry of _“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry”_ repeating over and over again. She could feel his tears soaking into the collar of her shirt and her arms tightened. His hair still smelled like the peppermint shampoo she used to buy him. Her heart pounded out a familiar rhythm in her chest, the same word repeating in her mind in time with the beat: _homehomehome._

They stayed in the embrace for a long moment. A river of comfort flowed back and forth between them. It felt like Luke’s soul was seeking out every frayed edge of her own, smoothing out and repairing the damage that had lingered for the last year. Their bodies shuddered in time, both of them pulling away at the same moment to look into each other’s eyes. Luke looked like a new man, determination shining from his pores.

“What happens now?”

He was asking her, but she already knew what he wanted. She just wasn’t sure she could give it to him. She gently disentangled herself, scooting back just a bit so there was enough space between them for her to breathe. Insecurity reared its ugly head, reminding her of all the reasons they had ended in the first place.

“I don’t know, Luke.”

She sounded like a broken record. Her fingers twitched restlessly. She reached up to tuck a curl behind her ear, forcing herself to take a deep breath and try again.

“I’ve never loved anyone the way that I love you.”

His eyes lit up, and she pushed on.

“But just loving you isn’t enough. What you did...the way you treated me...I can’t go through that again.”

The light was dimming the more she spoke, but she had to get it all out, even if what she was about to say would undoubtedly hurt him. Her voice dropped to a whisper.

“I can’t trust you like I used to. You broke something in me, and I still haven’t been able to fully fix it.”

He stared at her for a second before slowly reaching out with his palms up. He left them lingering in the space between them. Heart in her throat, Julie reached out to lay her own hands in his. She looked up from where his thumb rested gently on the back of her hand, eyes locking on his, drowning in the depths of emotion she found there.

“I love you more than anything else in this entire world. More than Sunset Curve and The Phantoms. More than my parents and Alex and Reggie, and I will even tell them that to their faces. There is no me in this world without you. No music worth making, no band worth having, without you by my side. I will spend the rest of my life proving that to you whether we’re together or not. You don’t have to forgive me now or ever. You don’t have to take me back. Just give me a chance. Let me earn back your trust. I want my best friend back, Jules. I’ll do anything, just...please, give me a chance?”

Julie’s head swam, pain and fear and hope and love all warring within her, fighting for dominance. It was so hard to think when he was staring at her with those puppy dog eyes, offering her the world. She wanted more than anything to believe him. Wanted to go back to the golden age of their relationship when everything had been so new and shiny and perfect. The memories of how it had ended haunted her. She didn’t think she would be able to repair herself from a second heartbreak at Luke’s hands. He could read the doubt on her face. His hands tightened around hers, pulling her attention back to his face.

“Just a chance, Jules. That’s all I’m asking for. You can give me rules to follow. You can sic Alex and Reggie on me if I start to fuck up again. Hell, I’ll ask them to do it myself. I’ve been a ghost this last year. I don’t _exist_ without you in my life somehow.”

Her heart screamed at her to tell him yes. Her head begged her to be careful. Her soul yearned to be complete the way it had been when Luke was at her side. His eyes pleaded _pleasepleaseplease._

“I’m not going to say yes right now...but...maybe...we can try.”

She was cut off by his loud whoop. Without warning, he launched himself at her. He tackled her to the ground, squeezing the air from her lungs, whispering _thank you_ over and over again like a prayer. She wasn’t sure if he was thanking her or the universe.

“Luke!”

She pushed against his shoulders but couldn’t keep the smile from her voice. He pulled back just far enough to look her in the eyes, leaving the rest of his body on top of hers. Her skin burned under his touch. His eyes were shining brighter than she had ever seen them before. The smile on his lips nearly took her breath away. She forgot just how _pretty_ he was. She stuttered for a second before forcing herself to close her eyes and take a deep breath. She kept her eyes closed, hoping it would help her keep her head.

“You have to be serious about this. I’m willing to try and be friends again, but I’m not making any promises. And I’m not promising that it will ever become anything more than that. I’m gone the second you pull anything similar to that shit.”

He didn’t respond. She slowly peeked her eyes open. His face was inches from hers, something she couldn’t quite identify coloring his features.

“Julie Molina.”

He said her name with a type of reverence that could only be called devotional. A wave of butterflies rioted in her stomach.

“There is nothing that matters more to me than loving you the way you deserve every day for the rest of forever. I know it’s just words now, but I swear, I will _never_ hurt you like that again. If it takes me the rest of my life, I will prove to you that you can trust me.”

Julie felt stunned. She hadn’t ever heard that much sincerity in Luke’s tone before. Hadn’t ever heard him speak with such passion unless it was music related. He was serious. Her heart felt a little lighter, the hole shrinking ever so slightly. He was staring at her with so much love she had no choice to believe him.

“Okay.”

It was just one small whispered word, but they both knew it was more than that. It was an eternity, stretching out in front of them. A new beginning, like the dawning of a new day after a night of thunderstorms.

The exhaustion seemed to hit them at the same time. It had been a rollercoaster of a night, the emotional whiplash draining both of them. In another moment of unspoken agreement, Luke stood, offering his hand to Julie, pulling her tight to his side when she was on her feet. He held her for a minute, both of them secretly reveling in the fact that they could finally touch like that again. They moved together to dump their untouched tea in the sink and shuffle into the bedroom they had once shared. Both of them craved the kind of healing they could only find in the other’s arms, even without speaking of it. Julie didn’t let herself linger over the implications, too tired to fight the comfort Luke’s body offered. They fit together seamlessly, bodies relaxing at the homecoming. Julie never realized how big this bed had felt without Luke’s limbs wrapped around her own. For the first time in a year, sleep came easily.

When she woke up the next morning and found Luke in the kitchen making coffee with the sun streaming through the window behind him, it felt like the universe had finally been realigned. There were still wounds to stitch and trust to be earned. Julie didn’t know what would happen with her solo career or the band. Couldn’t be sure that Luke wouldn’t renege on his promises once they left their New York bubble and went back to the snake pit of LA. They weren’t magically back to what they had been, but where there had once only been a dead end, they now had a new path to try. What had once been shattered was now on the precipice of repair, the glue just starting to set. Luke turned to see Julie standing in the doorway and the smile on his face promised a lifetime of atonement and devotion. They had a chance again. Julie stepped into the sunny room, her footsteps marking the first page of their new story.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaaand that's the end! Well, mostly. I'm working on an epilogue now that will be posted in the next couple of days. I absolutely loved writing this story and the fact that you all loved it too means the world to me. I don't have any other Taylor Swift inspired fics in the works but that might change at some point in the future. Thank you so much for all of your comments and kudos and for even reading this in the first place!


	5. what died didn't stay dead

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Title: marjorie by Taylor Swift

A cold wind whipped Julie Molina’s curls across her face as she sat on a bench in Coney Island. Light grey clouds hung overhead, darker on the horizon like a storm was headed her way. She shivered, tucking her coat more securely around her body as she stared out across the boardwalk, eyes unseeing. Sand crunched in the distance. A body emerged from the low hanging fog.

“Julie!”

Her head turned at the sound of her name. A figure was making its way towards her, signature orange beanie shining like a beacon in the misty air. A smile stole across her lips. She launched herself off of the bench, meeting him halfway in a tangle of limbs as she jumped into his arms. He staggered back a step, laughing softly.

“I missed you.”

She whispered the words directly in his ear, pressed him close as a shiver worked down his spine. His arms flexed against her back.

“You only beat me here by two days. If you hadn’t wanted to see them put the Rockefeller tree up so badly we could have been on the same plane.”

She leaned back in his hold, scrunching her nose in a half-hearted pout.

“You say that like you wouldn’t have been right there with me if Andi didn’t need you to wrap up contract negotiations. I don’t know why you three took so long with that anyway. I told you it didn’t matter to me.”

“It mattered to _us._ There’s no breaking up Julie and The Phantoms again. It’s all or nothing baby. Forever.”

His cold nose nuzzled against her cheek. She stuck out her tongue and playfully rolled her eyes, but the sentiment behind the boys demanding a clause in the new contract that wouldn’t allow the band to be split up by the label again came from a place that made her want to melt. A full year past their initial reconciliation and Luke was still proving to her every day that he was in this for the long haul.

When they had first approached the label about adding The Phantoms back to Julie, Andi hadn’t been sold on it at all. Despite the fact that they had a good 6 years of success under their belt, the desperation and immediateness of how Julie had broken them up didn’t make her keen to try again. But they had been adamant that they were better together. Julie did well as a solo artist, but she didn’t have near the same reach or recognition as when they had been a full band. The Phantoms performed well on rock charts without Julie, but they had dropped a lot of their pop demographic when they lost her sound. Business wise, it made sense to merge them again. It was Flynn who had cinched the deal for them.

One single picture, teasing nothing more than the back of Julie and Luke sitting next to each other on a piano bench was posted as a story on the official Julie and The Phantoms Instagram. The internet went into a tailspin of speculation. It was the first post the account had made since the break-up, and every single social media site had gone insane trying to figure out what it meant. Fans had all but demanded a reunion. Andi, through a knowing smirk, had offered them a new contract.

It had been a decent contract. Basically the same as the one they had before, just slightly less pay, which they could accept. Then, with Julie’s knowledge and consent, the boys spoke up and asked about adding a clause that would not only give the band sole ownership of the Julie and The Phantoms brand, but also would not allow the dissolution of the band’s contract in favor of solo contracts for any of the band members. In layman’s terms, no one could quit the band and stay at the label.

It gave the label less incentive to allow any of the band members to do the type of negotiation Julie had. She understood why they wanted it. Alex and Reggie had nearly wept with relief when they learned that Julie and Luke were working things out, healing and growing and fixing their shit. Actually, she was pretty sure Alex _had_ wept now that she thought about it. Andi, again, hadn’t been sold. They’d been working her for the last few weeks, drawing out other parts of the contract to buy time. Finally, Andi had sat them down and said she understood what it meant to them, but she couldn’t give them everything. She was willing to add the break-up clause, but the label wanted to retain the brand rights. Julie had been okay with compromise, but the boys wanted to fight it out. Resigned, Andi had promised to fax Julie the completed copy after the boys signed. She was surprised Andi had been able to hold out two full days. The boys without Julie to temper them were a powerful force to be reckoned with. Andi had known she would lose the fight the moment that photo uploaded to Instagram.

Luke leaned forward to kiss the tip of her tongue. She pulled it back into her mouth with a giggled _ewww!_ before unwrapping her legs from around his waist. Gently, he set her back on the ground, his fingers trailing down her arm to intertwine with hers. Swinging their arms back and forth softly, Luke led her away from the bench. They walked in silence for a moment, comfortable and cozy in each other’s presence. Julie’s soul hummed, the overwhelming feeling of rightness nearly making her head swim. She thought she would be used to it by now, used to being happy and whole again, but every day with Luke felt better than the last.

Occasionally, her head felt the need to remind her it hadn’t actually been that long. They’d only been reunited for just over a year, only back in a relationship for the last six months of that year. But, Luke had changed. The anger that had once sustained him didn’t lurk in the background anymore. He had made peace with the events of the past, and it had allowed him to fully move on in a way she hadn’t ever thought he would. Luke was a new man, and Julie had fallen for him all over again. Realistically, she should have known it would happen. She hadn’t ever been able to stop loving him in the first place.

Without warning, Luke spun her into his arms, dipping her with a dramatic flourish and planting a smacking kiss on her lips. Julie let out a peal of delighted laughter, holding onto his neck for dear life. He pulled her upright, grinning as he tucked her close for an impromptu bastardization of a waltz. She let him lead, content to rest her head against his chest, the sound of his heartbeat drumming into her head: _homehomehome._

“I love you, Julie Molina.”

His words promised a lifetime of forever.

“I love you, Lucas Patterson.”

Under the same lights where they first came together, on the same pier where they had fallen apart so suddenly, in the same spot where they had started to rebuild their life together, Julie leaned into the man of her dreams. They weren’t perfect, but they were perfect for each other. And, in the end, that’s really all that mattered. Everything else was just background noise.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did I need to add all that extra info about contract negotiations? Probably not, but brevity has never been my friend. Also, I took a lot of creative liberties with those negotiations lol
> 
> That brings us to the end of this fic! Thank you all for coming on this journey with me. It was born from a bottle of wine and an obsessive desire to listen to coney island over and over again while processing a break-up scene for a different novel. Look how far we've come! I don't love this ending as much as I loved the rest of this fic, but I think I just need to resign myself to the fact that I'm much better at angst than I am at fluff lol I hope you guys enjoy it anyway!
> 
> If you want to come yell at me on tumblr you can find me @phantom-curve I post a lot of drunk ramblings and I also have another in-process AU Juke fic on there! It will eventually make its way here, but if you want to check it out now search the 'find the strength find the melody' tag.
> 
> Thank you for all of your love and support! It means the world to me.


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